I wish you wouldn't do that around me.  It's so filthy !

- Don't give me a problem  about the cigarettes.  - It's such a filthy habit.

Oh, my God !  Look at this.

Oh, Jesus !  This is so appalling !

I can't believe it !

I can't believe  they gave it to him.

Ah, this is pathetic !

Now he's a loser  with a Jaguar.

Seriously, who did he have to blow  to get that thing ?

- Good morning, sir.  - Mr. Willis.

- It's really, uh,  - Mr. Trask !

quite a piece  of machinery.

- Good morning, Havemeyer.  - Morning to you, sir.

- Bene !  - Bene ?

- Bene ! Fabulous !  - What's fabulous ?

That fine piece of steel  you have back there.

Ah, you don't think  I deserve it.

No, sir. On the contrary.  I think it's great.

Should the headmaster of Baird be seen  putt-putting around in some junker ?

In fact, I think the  board of trustees have had...

their first, true stroke  of inspiration in some time.

Thank you, Havemeyer.  I'll take that at face value.

I'd expect  nothing less, sir.

Have a good day.

- Morning, Mrs. Hunsaker.  - Good morning.

What have we here,  Murderer's Row ?

- What was that about ?  - Nothing. Just saying hello.

I like to say hello  to Headmaster Trask.

Sugarbush. Lift tickets and  condo vouchers.

- I thought we were goin' to Stowe.  - Sugarbush is Stowe, Jimmy.

We're doing it right. Thanksgiving  in Vermont, Christmas in Switzerland --

-Christmas in Gstaad is gonna cost us --  -'Staad.

The "G" is silent.  'Staad. George ?

- 'Staad.  - Trent ?

- 'Staad, man.  - So what about 'Staad ?

Fine. The "G" may be silent,

but it's gonna take at least  three grand to get there.

- I'll talk to my father.  - Better yet, have my father  talk to your father.

Or my father  talk to your father.

You goin' home  this weekend, Chas ?

Uh, I don't know.

You goin' home to fuckin' ldaho  for Thanksgiving ?

I'm from Oregon.

I meant fuckin' Oregon.

Charlie, how do you feel about skiing ?

You in the mood for  the white-bosomed slopes of Vermont ?

Got a deal going.  20% off for my friends.

My father set it up.  Christmas in Switzerland.

- 'Staad.  - Gstaad. Dropping the "G" is phony.

- You said everybody says 'Staad.  - Not if you've been there.

Easter in Bermuda,  then Kentucky Derby weekend.

We could fit you in, kid.

Well, how much are  these white-bosomed slopes of Vermont ?

Twelve hundred !

Includes a nine-course,  champagne thanksgiving dinner.

$1200 is a little rich  for my blood, Harry.

Well, how short  are you ?

How short, Harry ?

So short it wouldn't be worth the  trouble of you and George to measure.

- But, thanks for askin', all right ?  - Mm-hmm.

- If you change your mind --  - What'd you do that for ?  You know he's on aid.

On major holidays, Willis, it's  customary for the lord of the manor...

- to offer drippings to the poor.  - You're so full of shit !

- Hi. Mrs. Rossi ?  - Yes ?

I'm here about  the weekend job.

Come on in.

Does he got pimples ?  He hates pimples.

Francine, be quiet.

Pimples. Pimples.  Yeah.

Shush !  I'm sorry.

- The school gave me your name,  but I've forgotten it.  - It's Charlie Simms.

- How are you, Charlie ?  - Fine, thanks.

Right this way.

- You're available the whole weekend ?  - Uh, yeah.

- Not going home for Thanksgiving ?  - No.

Good.

They put him in a veteran's home,  but he hated it,

so I told my dad  that we'd take him.

Before you go in, do you mind  my telling you a few things ?

Don't "sir" him and don't ask him  too many questions.

And if he staggers a little when  he gets up, don't pay any attention.

Charlie, I can tell you're  the right person for the job,

and Uncle Frank's  gonna like you a lot too.

Uh, where you gonna be  this weekend ?

We're driving to Albany.

Donny, my husband,  has family there.

- Do you want Tommy in or out ?  - Leave him out !

He's chasin' that Calico ginch  from the track houses again !

Down deep, the man  is a lump of sugar.

- Sir ?  - Don't call me sir !

I-l'm sorry.  I mean mister, sir.

Uh-oh, we got a moron here,  is that it ?

No, mister --  Uh, that is --

Uh, Lieutenant.  Yes, sir, Lieu--

Lieutenant Colonel.

26 years on the line, nobody ever  busted me four grades before.

Get in here,  you idiot !

Come a little closer. I wanna get a  better look at ya.

How's your skin, son ?

My skin, sir ?

- Oh, for Christ's sake.  - I'm sorry, I don--

Just call me Frank.  Call me Mr. Slade.

Call me Colonel, if you must.  Just don't call me sir.

All right, Colonel.

Simms, Charles.  A senior.

- You on student aid, Simms ?  - Uh, yes, I am.

For "student aid"  read "crook."

Your father peddles car telephones  at a 300% markup.

Your mother works on heavy commission  in a camera store.

Graduated to it  from espresso machines.

Hah-hah !

What are you, dying of  some wasting disease ?

No, I'm right --  I'm right here.

I know exactly where  your body is.

What I'm lookin' for  is some indication of a brain.

Too much football  without a helmet ?

Hah ! Lyndon's line  on Gerry Ford.

Deputy Debriefer,  Paris Peace Talks, '68.

Snagged the Silver Star  and a silver bar. Threw me into G-2.

G-2 ?

Intelligence,  of which you have none.

Where you from ?

Um, Gresham, Oregon,

s-- Colonel.

What does your daddy do  in Gresham, Oregon ?

Hmm ? Count wood chips ?

Uh, my stepfather and my mom  run a convenience store.

- How convenient ! What time they open ?  - 5:00 A.M.

- Close ?  - 1:00 A.M.

Hard workers.

You got me all  misty-eyed !

So, what are you doin' here  in this sparrow-fart town ?

I, l--  I attend Baird.

Attend Baird !

I know you go  to the Baird school.

Point is,  how do you afford it,

even with the student aid and  the folks back home hustlin' Cornnuts ?

I won a, uh,  Young America merit scholarship.

Whoo-ah !

Glory, glory, Hallelujah

Glory, glory, Hallelujah

Who's there ?

That little piece of tail ?

Get her outta here !

Yeah.

Can't believe  they're my blood.

I.Q. of sloths and  the manners of banshees.

He's a mechanic,  she's a homemaker.

He knows as much about cars  as a beauty queen,

and she bakes cookies,  taste like wing nuts.

As for the tots,  they're twits.

How's your skin, son ?  I like my aides to be presentable.

Well, I --  I've had a few zits.

Um, but my roommate, he lent me  his Clinique because he's from --

"The History of My Skin,"  by Charles Simms.

You patronizing me,  peewee ? Hmm ?

You givin' me that old  prep school palaver ?

Baird School !

A bunch of runny-nosed snots  in tweed jackets...

all studyin'  to be George Bush.

Well...

I believe President Bush  went to Andover, Colonel.

You sharpshootin' me, punk ?

Is that what you're doin' ?

Don't you  sharpshoot me !

You'll give me forty.

Then you're gonna give me  forty more.

Then you're gonna pull K.P.,  the grease pit !

I'll rub your nose  in enlisted men's crud...

till you don't know which end is up !  You understand ?

Yeah.

- What do you want ?  - What do you mean, what do I want ?

What do you want here ?

I wa-want a job.

A job !

Yeah, I want a job  so I can make, you know,

my plane fare home  for Christmas.

Oh.

God, you're touching !

From the banks

Of the mighty Mississippi

Workin' the whole night through

Till the riverboat gamblers

Stop to make a killin'

Bring it on back to you

Still here, poormouth ?

Hmm ?

Convenience store...  my ass !

Hustlin' jalapeno dips  to the appleseeds.

Go on.

Dismissed.

Dismissed !

Evangeline

Evangeline

Mrs. Rossi ?

Charlie, we're up here !  Come on up.

- Uh, this is Donny.  - Hey, Charlie.

Hi.

Uh, Mrs. Rossi,  I got the feelin' I screwed up.

- Oh, you couldn't have.  - It was a bad interview.

That was no interview, Charlie.  You're it.

You're the only one that showed up.  You have to take the job.

He sleeps a lot. You can  watch television, call your girlfriend.

I promise you,  an easy 300 bucks.

I don't get an easy feeling.

His bark is worse  than his bite.

He was a great soldier,  a real hero.

The man grows on you !

By Sunday night,  you'll be best friends.

Charlie, please.

I want to get away for a few days,  and Uncle Frank won't come with us.

Six months ago, he could  sometimes tell light from dark,

but now there's nothing.

I feel better having  someone else around just in case.

Please ?

Okay, Mrs. Rossi.  Sure.

- Thank you, Charlie.  - Come here, you.

There you go.

Chas ! Chas, hold up !

- How ya doin' ?  - I'm good.

That's great.

This can't go out.  This is on reserve.

Here's the thing.

I need the book tonight...

- for a Thanksgiving quiz with  big-shit Preston in the morning.  - Yeah, I know.

That's why he put it on reserve.  This is our only copy.

Chas, I'm pullin'  an all-nighter.

Without that book  I'm dead, okay ?

If it's not back by 7:30,  it's gonna be my ass.

Oh, I promise.  I promise.

- Got it ?  - Yeah.

Just a second.  I gotta lock up.

Okay.

God, can you wait to get out  of this dump or what ?

Where you guys  going skiing again ?

- Sugarloaf or --  - It's bush, Chas, Sugarbush.

That's my boys.  What are you doin' ?

Keep your voice down !

I'll tell you about it  in the morning.

- Shh.  - Wha--

- Miss Hunsaker, have a nice day ?  - George, why all the noise ?

It's Hunsaker ! Go ! Go !

I was just  messin' around with Chas.

- Good evening, Charles.  - Hi, Mrs. Hunsaker.

- What was that ?  - I don't know, ma'am.

- Who were those boys ?  What were they doing ?  - Oh, who knows ?

- Charles ?  - Um --

- Did you make this scarf yourself ?  - No, George, I bought it.

- 'Cause it's a beauty. It really is.  - Thank you, George.

In case I don't see you before  the Thanksgiving holidays,

- why don't you give me  one of your big hugs ?  - Oh, George !

- Please ? Come on.  - Good evening, boys.

Good-bye,  Mrs. Hunsaker.

Mr. Trask is our fearless leader,

a man of learning,  a voracious reader.

He could recite the "lliad"  in ancient Greek...

while fishing for trout  in a rippling creek.

Endowed with wisdom,  of judgement sound,

nevertheless about him  the questions abound.

How does Mr. Trask  make such wonderful deals ?

Why did the trustees  buy him Jaguar wheels ?

He wasn't conniving !

He wasn't crass !

He merely  puckered his lips...

and kissed their ass !

Come on.  Come on.

One more !  One more, come on !

Aah !

Fuck you !

Mr. Simms, Mr. Willis.

Hmm.

Mrs. Hunsaker says that you gentlemen  were at a vantage point last night...

to observe who was  responsible for this, uh,

stunt.

Who was it ?

I really couldn't  tell you, sir.

Um, I thought I saw someone  fooling with the lamppost,

but by the time I pulled focus,  they were gone.

Mr. Simms ?

I couldn't say.

That automobile is not  just a possession of mine.

That automobile was presented  to me by the Board of Trustees.

It is a symbol of the standard  of excellence for which  this school is known,

and I will not  have it tarnished.

The automobile ?

The standard,  Mr. Willis.

- What's your position, Mr. Simms ?  - On what, sir ?

On preserving the  reputation of Baird.

- I-l'm for Baird.  - Then, who did it ?

I really couldn't say for sure.

Very well.

First thing Monday,  I'm convening a special session...

of the student-faculty  disciplinary committee.

As this is a matter which  concerns the whole school,

the entire student body  will be present.

There will be no classes,  no activities.

Nothing will transpire  at this institution...

until that proceeding  is concluded.

And if, at that time,  we are no further along than we are now,

I will expel you both.

Mr. Willis,  would you excuse us ?

Have a nice Thanksgiving.

Thank you.  You too, Mr. Willis.

I will.

Mr. Simms.

I'm not quite through  with you yet.

One of the few perks  of this office is that...

I am empowered to handle  certain matters on my own as I see fit.

Do you understand ?

- Yes, sir.  - Good.

The Dean of Admissions at Harvard  and I have an arrangement.

Along with the usual sheaf of applicants  submitted by Baird,

of which virtually,

oh, two-thirds are  guaranteed admittance,

I add one name,

somebody who's a standout  and yet, underprivileged;

a student who cannot afford to pay  the board and tuition in Cambridge.

Do you know on whose behalf  I drafted a memo this year ?

- No, sir.  - You. You, Mr. Simms.

Now can you tell me  who did it ?

No, sir, I can't.

You take the weekend  to think about it, Mr. Simms.

Good afternoon.

What'd he say ?

- Nothin'.  - What do you mean, nothing ?

He said the same thing.  He just said it over.

You know what  he's doing ?

He's good-cop,  bad-coppin' us.

He knows I'm old guard.  You're fringe.

He's gonna bear down on me  and soft-soap you.

Did he try to soft-soap you ? Did he ?

No.

Chas, I detect a slight panic pulse  from you. Are you panicking ?

- Yeah, a little.  - Come on.

- You're on scholarship, right ?  - Yeah.

You're on scholarship  from Oregon... at Baird.

You're a long way from home, Chas.

What's that got to do  with anything ?

I don't know how  it works out there.

But how it works here ?  We stick together.

It's us against them,  no matter what.

We don't cover our ass.  We don't tell our parents.

Stonewall everybody !

And above all,  never, never...

Ieave any of us  twisting in the wind.

And that's it.

What does that have to do  with me being on scholarship ?

Hey, hey !

I'm just tryin' to bring you  up to speed, kid, that's it.

Thanks.

I'll tell you what. Give me a few hours  to figure out the moves,

and call me tonight  in Vermont.

I'll be at the Sugarbush lodge,  all right ?

All right.

You all right ?

Yeah, I guess so.

Okay.

Try to keep him down  to four drinks a day.

If you can keep him down to forty,  you're doin' good.

Try to water them down a little.  Do you know how to do that ?

- It's a long ride, honey !  - Get the bags in the car.  I'll be right out.

Mommy, Mommy !  Don't forget Uncle Frank's walk.

Oh, ha... Yeah.

Uh, you have to  air him out...

a little every day.

Why don't you go on back there,  get yourself oriented ?

I'll come out in a minute,  give you telephone numbers and stuff.

Well, I wouldn't try  a thing like that...

unless I knew,  would I ?

Just let me  speak to her.

Hello, beautiful.  Is that you ?

Yeah,  we spoke yesterday.

You have a glass of wine  with lunch ?

You sound  a little dusky. Hmm.

Just a minute, sweetheart.

You're back, huh ?

Tenacious !

Get out my dress blues.  They're in a garment bag in the closet.

Check the top dresser drawer.  Take out the shoulder boards...

and affix them  shoulders right and left,

A.S.A.P.  That means now.

Hello.

Sorry to keep you  waitin', sweetheart.

I'm not the kind of guy  who likes to rush things,

but I'm catchin' a 4:00  at Logan, lookin' out my window,  and there's not a taxi in sight.

What happened to Chet ?

He didn't invest  in a radio yet ?

Hah ! Well,  get your driver on it.

Tell him to get  a move on.

Yes. Mmm.

Some kind of body has got to go  with that bedroom voice.

One day I'm gonna swing by,  get a better look at it.

You bet.

Bye.

My val-pak's underneath the bed.  Get it out.

Put the boards on the blues  and fold 'em in.

Uh, are we going someplace,  Colonel ?

What business is that of yours ?  Don't shrug, imbecile.

I'm blind. Save your body language  for the bimbi.

- Now, get my gear out.  - Francine, get in the car.

It's almost 3:00. The goddamn  Flintstones haven't left yet.

Willie Rossi must go in the car !

- Here comes Mrs. Rossi now.  - Damn it !

She said good-bye to me  three times today.

What's she got,  separation anxiety ?

Cut her off  at the door !

Hi, honey.  Bye, honey.

I wish you were  coming with us.

Me too.

Maybe next time.

- Drive carefully now.  - Yeah.

Charlie, this is  where we'll be.

Good luck, Charlie.  Don't let him drink too much.

See ya, Charlie !

And no 900 numbers.  He loves to talk dirty.

All right,  let's get to work.

L-buckles  givin' you trouble ?

Never in the Boy Scouts,  sluggo ?

- I, I made Tenderfoot.  - Tenderfoot, my foot !

Convenience-store  mama's boy.

Here. Let me  take a look at that.

Touch me again, I'll kill ya,  you little son-of-a-bitch !

I touch you.  Understand ?

My shoulder boards are in  the top dresser drawer. Get them, son.

The epaulets with  the silver oak leaf.

- Are these --  - Good.

Taxi come yet ?

Colonel,  where are we going ?

Where we going ?

Freak show central.

- Where's that ?  - New York City.

That's in New York, son.  New York State.

Uh, Mrs. Rossi didn't say anything to me  about going anywhere.

She forgot.

- Should we call her, 'cause I --  - You kidding me ?

Call her ? By the time they get to  Albany in that "hupmobile" he drives...

it'll be opening day  at Saratoga.

- Colonel, I can't go to New York City.  - Why not ?

New York --

- New York's too much responsibility.  - Ah, responsibility !

I had a lot of 17 year olds  my first platoon.

I took care of them.  All set !

How do I look ?

Tickets. Money.

Speech.

Old Washington joke...  from my days with Lyndon.

I knew I could count on transportation.

Are you ready ?

This is not Panmunjom.  A simple yes will do.

- Um --  - Good ! Here you go.

Come on !  Hup to it, son !

You're in front of me.  Let's go.

Tomster, come here, boy.

Psst, psst.  Come on.

Here, tomster, come on.  Tomster, tomster. Yeah.

Remember, when in doubt... fuck.

Good afternoon, sir.  Where's our destination ?

Our destination... New York City,  home of the brave !

- Two for the shuttle to New York.  - I'm not shuttling anywhere.

- Look at those tickets. "First class."  - Yes, sir, first class.

You bought me a ticket ?  I never said I'd go to New York.

What are you, some kind of chicken-shit,  sticks to job description only ?

Gate 46, sir.

- As you were, son.  - Thank you, sir.

Which way's the door ?

- Are you blind ? Are you blind ?  - Of course not.

Then why do you keep grabbin'  my goddamn arm ?

I take your arm.

- I'm sorry.  - Don't be sorry.

How would you know,  watchin' MTV all your life ?

Yes !

- Jack Daniels...  - You bet.

- and Diet Slice.  - The old Diet Slice.

- And a water.  - Thank you, Daphne.

Certainly, sir.

Ahh ! Mmm !

How did you know her name ?

Well, she's  wearin' Floris.

That's an  English cologne.

But her voice is  California chickie.

Now, California chickie  bucking for English lady --

I call her Daphne.

Oh, big things may happen to  that little thing of yours.

Look, Colonel,

- I'll get you to New York, all right ?  - Uh-huh.

Then I'm gonna have  to turn around and come back.

Well, Chuck, you gotta do  what you gotta do.

Charlie, all right ?  Or Charles.

Sorry.  I can't blame you, though.

Chuck is a --

So, why are we  going to New York ?

All information will be given  on a need-to-know basis.

Whoo-ah !

Where's Daphne ?  Let's get her down here.

She's in the back.

A tail's in the tail.

Hah !

Oh, but I still smell her.

Women !

What can you say ?

Who made 'em ?

God must have been  a fuckin' genius.

The hair --

They say the hair  is everything, you know.

Have you ever buried your nose  in a mountain of curls...

and just wanted  to go to sleep forever ?

Or lips --

and when they touched,  yours were like...

that first swallow  of wine...

after you just crossed  the desert.

Tits ! Whoo-ah !

Big ones, little ones,

nipples staring  right out at ya...

Iike secret searchlights.

Mmm.

And legs --

I don't care if  they're Greek columns...

or secondhand Steinways.

What's between 'em,

passport to heaven.

I need a drink.

Yes, Mr. Simms,

there's only two syllables  in this whole wide world worth hearing:

pussy.

Hah !

Are you listening to me, son ?  I'm givin' you pearls here.

I guess you  really like women.

Oh, above all things !

A very, very  distant second...

is a Ferrari.

Charlie ?

Give me your hand.

This is just the start  of your education, son.

Whoo-ah !

- Where are we ?  - Where are we, eh ?

The cynosure of  all things civilized:

the Waldorf-Astoria.

The last time I was here, Charlie,  was with a G-2 from Brussels.

Had a Ferrari.

Every day I held the door  open for the fucker.

Never even offered me  a ride.

Well, fuck him.

He's dead and I'm blind.

- Spread the word.  - Thank you, sir.

- The intelligence will be forthcoming ?  - Sir ?

On the escort scene.

Um, yes, sir.

- And welcome to the Waldorf.  - Gracias, amigo.

Puerto Ricans...  always made the best infantrymen.

Oh !

I'm home again.

Give me an inventory  on this, will you ?

All right,  where am l, in Asia ?

He told me the phone was on  the other side of the room, didn't he ?

By the windows ?

It's right here.

Okay.

We're in business.

Get me the Oak Room.

How's that inventory  comin' ?

Uh, there's Jim Beam  and Early Times.

Quartermaster's on the take again.  Hello.

Is Sheldon or Mack there ?

This is  Lt. Col. Frank Slade.

I used to be a regular. I used  to come in with a General Garbisch.

Yes, that's probably because  he's at Arlington six feet under.

Listen up. I want a table for two, and  I don't mean Siberia, 8:15.

Clear them little  bottles off.

And when I get off the phone,  call up Hyman.

Tell him I want it  wall to wall with John Daniels.

Uh, don't you mean,  uh, Jack Daniels ?

He may be Jack to you, son. But when  you've known him as long as I have --

That's a joke.  Hello !

This is Lt. Col. Frank Slade.  I would like a limo, 8:00.

What are you drinkin' ?

Uh, nothing, thanks.  I don't use it.

What's useful about it ?

I don't know. Listen, Colonel,  I have to get going.

Where you goin' ?

Back to school. I've got some real  important stuff I have to take care of.

Very well.

But I never let my aides leave  on an empty stomach.

You'll dine with me and then my driver  will transport you...

to the airport for the Boston Shuttle  departing at 2200 hours.

Meanwhile,  unpack my bag.

I'm gonna christen  the latrine.

What's your name, driver ?

- Manny, sir.  - Manny.

The bellhops at the Waldorf, are they  any good at getting escorts ?

- I wouldn't know, sir.  - What would you know ?

- About what ?  - About you-know-what ?

Maybe I could  manage something.

I'm talkin' top of the line, now.

Let me think  about this, sir.

What's the matter  with you ?

- With me ?  - Yeah. Car feels heavy. You know why ?

You got the fuckin' weight of the world  on your shoulders.

I got a little problem  at school, that's all.

- Spit it out !  - It's not a big deal, all right ?

Where we going,  the Oak Room or somethin' ?

If it's not a big deal, why did you say  "real important stuff" ?

What are you doin', banging  the dean's daughter ? Hah !

- I'm just in a little trouble.  - What kind of trouble ?

I saw some guys  doing something.

To tell or not to tell,  or it's your ass.

Hmm ?

- How'd you know that ?  - I'm a wizard.

Give me the details,  come on.

There's this guy  at school named Harry.

He's this real rich kid.

He like...  runs the show.

Who else ?

There's another guy, George,  but George didn't do anything.

George and I saw Harry and his buddies  doin' somethin'.

Now, the folks at Baird,

they know you and George can  identify the guilty parties ?

Yeah, they think we can.

- George is a friend of yours.  - He's not a friend, but he's all right.

- You trust him ?  - Yeah, I guess so.

- He's on scholarship too ?  - No, why ?

We got George, we got Harry,  we got trouble.

They're rich, you're poor.  You wanna get rich.

You wanna graduate Baird,  become a rich big shot like them.

- Am I right ?  - No. It's not that way at all.

Okay, Charlie !

Here we are, gentlemen:  the Oak Room.

The Oak Room !

Bring us a menu and double Jack Daniels  on the rocks.

Charlie, sit down here.

Uh, perhaps you'll feel more  comfortable in this, sir.

You look great !

Thank you.

Here we are, Charlie:  the Oak Room.

Now, read me  the bill of fare.

Uh, let's see.

You got the Oak Room Burger  and fries for $24.

Where's the booze ?  Flowin' like mud around here.

A $24 hamburger ?

W-What's the story ?

What story ?

- Are you a rich miser or something ?  - Hah !

No, I'm just your average  blind man.

Your average blind man.

How do you plan on  paying for all this stuff ?

Crisp, clean dollars...  American.

I saved up my  disability checks.

How much did you save ?  I mean, we flew first class,

we're at the Waldorf-Astoria,  a $24 hamburger restaurant.

- All part of a plan, Charlie.  - You want to let me in on it ?

Why should I ? You're not interested.  You don't give a shit !

You're leavin' on that  last shuttle out of La Guardia.

Hmm ? Ooh !

You got 15 minutes, son. I don't think  you're gonna make it,

unless the Oak Room keeps some  complimentary helicopter on the roof.

No, sir. No !

You're here till tomorrow.

You said the last shuttle  leaves at 2200 hours.

That's 10:00, right ?

Last I heard, yeah.

It's only 8:30.

I lied. Leaves at 9:00.

- It leaves at 9:00 ?  - Calm down. Calm down.

Ahh ! The truth is, Charlie,

- I need a guide dog  to help me execute my plan.  - What plan ?

You have a right to know.

It's not really a plan, Charlie.  It's sort of a --

more like a tour,

a little tour of pleasures:

stay in a first-class hotel,  eat an agreeable meal,

drink a nice glass of wine,

see my big brother.

Nothing like family,  you know.

And then, make love  to a terrific woman.

After that...

Yeah ?

I'm gonna lie down on my big,  beautiful bed at the Waldorf...

and blow my brains out.

- May I tell you our specials ?  - You may, sir.

Tonight we have charred venison with  buckwheat spaetzle and green peppercorn.

Grilled veal, tomato tapenade,  and roasted eggplants.

Get me a napkin.  My mouth's watering.

If you like our souffle for dessert,  it would be good to order it now.

Yes, on the souffle. Give us  a half a minute on the rest.

Very good, sir.

- I'm leaning towards the spaetzle.  - Colonel Slade --

Charlie, rolls on the table ?  Give 'em to me.

You should  try these rolls.

I used to dream about them  when I was at Fort Huachuca.

- Colonel Slade --  - Bread's no good west of the Colorado.

- Water's too alkaline.  - Colonel Slade, did you say --

Did I hear you right ?

Y-You said you're gonna  kill yourself ?

No, I said I was gonna  blow my brains out.

Try one of these rolls, Charlie.  I buttered it for ya.

I don't want a roll,  all right ?

Okay. Have a radish !

Hah !

Hello ! Bring me a double  Jack Daniels on the rocks.

Yes, sir.  Right away.

Please, don't do that.

Don't do that.

Hmm.

What a marvelous place !

Okay.

Yeah.

Your billet is here.

You'll find bedding  in the closet on the shelf.

In the morning, the area will be  returned to sitting-room mode...

no later than  0700 hours.

What was that ?

Nothing.

Next time...  snap it out !

Thumb to palm, index finger  through little digit, smartly aligned,

sharp to the hairline,  down !

Too many men,  far better than you,

have executed  that courtesy.

And if you're smart,  you won't try it again.

This bat has got sharper radar  than the Nautilus.

Don't fuck with me,  Charlie.

See you get  a good night's sleep, son.

It's a lovely day today

So, whatever you gotta do

You got a lovely day  to do it in that's true

Good morning, Charlie.

- Good morning.  - This is Sofia, Charlie.

She's a magician  with a needle.

Sofia's workin' me up  a little "Glen Plaid" number,

and I've asked her if she'd  put something together for you.

- Uh, I don't need any clothes, Colonel.  - Standard issue...

for an upscale  urban assignment.

You don't like the clothes,  Charlie, on completion of duty,

you can give 'em away.

Juice, coffee, and other assorted  goodies on the trolley over there.

Get yourself up,  get yourself together !

It's a great day  for singin' a song

And it's a great day  for movin' along

And it's a great day  from morning to night

And it's a great day

For everybody's plight

How are you feeling  today, Colonel ?

Super !  Superior !

Superfluous !

Young Sofie here  is working Thanksgiving...

because she's trying to  put herself through college.

I told her, "My young friend  Charlie's headed for college."

- Uh, excuse me.  - Where you goin' ?

- I-l need to use the phone.  - What's wrong with the phones in here ?

I don't want  to disturb you.

You're not disturbing me.  Make your call.

I'd kinda like  to be private.

Stay outta my room !

This is as private  as you're gonna get.

But if you've got somethin'  that must be done

And it can only be done by one

Sofia...

what are the chances  of suitin' you up sometime ?

- Sugarbush Lodge.  - George Willis, please.

- Hello !  - George ! Hey, it's Charlie.

Hey, Chas. Next year you gotta  come up with us.

White powder on  a base of snow bunnies.

Chas,  are you there ?

Yeah, I'm here.  Um --

- you told me to call you for the moves.  - All right.

For now, the move's  no move: status quo.

Everything's  the way we left it.

How did we leave it ?

See no evil,  hear no evil.

You know  what I mean, Chas ?

Yeah. See no evil,  hear no evil.

- Okay, then, walk like you talk !  - All right, good-bye.

- George Willis, huh ?  - Yeah.

George Willis.

That makes his father probably  George Willis, Senior.

Charlie, I ask ya,

what do you think Big George  is gonna feel about Little George...

seeing no evil,  hearing no evil ?

Well, we're not gonna  tell our parents.

We're just gonna keep it  between ourselves.

Oh, George isn't gonna tell  his father about this thing !

Damn decent of him.  Ooh ! Aw ! Hah !

- Scusi.  - Prego.

I love it  when you hurt me.

Uh, tell me now,  Charlie.

This, uh, George Willis, Junior,  what's his father do ?

I don't really know.

Well, I'm gonna tell ya.

When George Willis, Sr., isn't busy as a  million-dollar man for Aetna Casualty --

or is it New England Distributor  for the Chrysler Corporation ?

He concerns himself with his young son,  George Willis, Junior.

George isn't going  to say anything to his father.

Oh, Charlie.

Big George is gonna  wind up Little George,

and Little George is gonna sing  like a canary.

And if you're hip, kid,  you're gonna hop to, too.

You've got this  all figured out, don't you ?

It don't take no Young America merit  scholarship to figure this one out.

Charlie, you had a little life,  so you decided to go to Baird...

to put yourself in the market  for a big one.

Now, in order to stay  in the running,

you're gonna have to tell these people  what they want to know.

You think so ?

- Are we finished, Sofia ?  - Yes.

Grazie. Grazie.

Charlie,

if you don't sing now,

you're gonna end up,  not only shelving biscuits...

in some convenience store  in the Oregon burbs,

probably the last word you'll ever hear  yourself say just before you croak...

gonna be, "Have a nice day  and come back soon."

Sofia !

Measure up Charlie, pronto.  We got a date for Thanksgiving.

We got a date ?

My brother's place.

W.R. Slade,  White Plains, New York.

Colonel, I can't go with you  to your brother's place.

I mean, I should be  getting back to school.

Uh, well you gotta have  Thanksgiving somewhere.

I mean, eats and treats.  I could use the company.

All right.  D-Does he know I'm comin' ?

He doesn't know I'm comin'. But wait  till you see the look on his face...

when I walk through  the door.

Oh, he loves me !

Oh, uh, Charlie,  about your little problem,

there are two kinds of people  in this world:

those who stand up  and face the music,

and those who  run for cover.

Cover's better.  Okay, Sofia, suit 'im up !

Make him pretty !

Careful.

- Should I ring it ?  - Yeah.

Yes ?

Yes !  Who is this ?

- It's Randy.  - Randy ? You new ?

I'm your nephew.

Hah !  Here I am !

Your sister's been  hoarding me long enough.

- Thought it's time to spread  the riches around.  - Uncle Frank !

- Gloria !  - Gail.

Of course.

Say hello to the potluck  party from New York City.

Good old Uncle Frank and this here  with him is Charlie Simms,

star halfback of the  Baird football team.

They not only beat Exeter and Groton,  but Aquinas High School too.

Where's your  miserable father ?

Wait ! No, no.  Let's surprise him.

Give that fat heart  of his an attack. Willie !

Oh, Willie !

Hello, Frank.

- How you doin' ?  - Okay.

Here's my hand.  Charlie, meet W.R. Slade.

Nice to meet you, sir.

The original bulging  briefcase man.

Gretchen, I smell those prunes !  We talkin' Turkey Marbella ?

- Yes, we are.  - Whoo !

Let's have a whiff.  Come on.

You know, I always had a sneaker  for you. Come here.

Mmm.

Hah !

- Where are you, Garry ?  I heard you cough.  - Who are you again ?

I'm just here at the Waldorf-Astoria  with -- Is it your brother ?

W.R.'s final issue.  How ya doin' ?

- Yes. Who the hell are you ?  - I'm kinda takin' care  of him for the weekend.

Charlie !

Jesus !

Sorry. Where's the booze ?  Flowin' like mud here.

To tell the truth, the colonel's  not well, I don't think.

- Not well ?  - I think he's a little lonely.

Why didn't you take him  to your family's for dinner ?

I heard that !

I heard that.

Pay no attention to him.  That's his big-brother talk.

He's been watching out for me  since day one.

Bailed me out of more trouble...  than he'd like to remember.

- Hmm ?  - Let me take your coat.

I meant to pick up some vino  on my way, but I blew it.

I'll send you the Rothschild  again for Christmas,

- only let's see how Thanksgiving goes.  - I'll set two more places.

- Here's your drink, Frank.  - Thank you, Randy.

Still with  Snow Queen sugar ?

Snow Flake. Why do you  always get that wrong ?

Because it's not important for me to  get it right. What are you doing there ?

I'm Vice President  for Marketing.

Whoo-ah ! Congratulations !  Sugar is shit, though.

I told General Abrams to install  honey in the commissaries.

If the K-50s didn't blow your brains  out, sugar, sure as shit, was gonna.

- Why don't we all sit down ?  - Ooh !

Mitsouki. Rhymes with nookie.  Be careful.

- When the wife gets restless,  the wife gets racy.  - Let's go and eat.

By all means.  Thank you, Charlie.

Where you wanna sit, Frank, or you gonna  arrange yourself at the head again ?

Any old card table  will do. This is fine.

Where was I ? Oh !

I wake up. It's four in the morning.  I don't know who I'm with,

why I'm there  and where I am.

What am I gonna do ?  I got this Asian flower,

all giggly and dewy-like;

and this hard-boiled  navy nurse outta Omaha, on the other.

We're three across the bed,  not a stitch of clothes on.

It comes to me.

Let east meet west.  We'll build a golden bridge.

Hah-hah !

I felt like I'd just joined  the corps of engineers !

We all still here ?

It's a beautiful story.

- Do you always enjoy  shocking people, Uncle Frank ?  - Honey.

I didn't know you were  so easily shocked.

I admire your sensibilities.  I'm touched.

Dad, remember the time  you persuaded Frank...

- to go to the kennel ?  - What about it ?

- He almost put the seeing eye  dog business outta business.  - Cool it, Randy.

- It's over and done with.  - Indeed it is, Garry.

Indeed it is.  So is dinner.

Charlie, what time do you have ?  I think we better be gettin' back.

- You ever given any thought  to a braille watch, Frank ?  - Randy.

- Stevie Wonder wears one,  or do you rank on him too ?  - Honey, please.

It's all right, Gloria.  I enjoy Randy's observations.

My wife's name is Gail, Frank.  Can you hear that ? Gail.

Excuse me.  Gail.

Gail strikes me as  a very beautiful woman,

but there's a  little tension in her voice.

It could be one  of two things:

either Gail is nervous  or unsatisfied.

What's your point,  Uncle Frank ?

You oughta go down  on her.

Cut it out, Frank,  will ya ?

You're so wrapped up in sugar, you've  forgotten the taste of real honey !

Frank,  for God's sake !

Hear that voice ?  There's fire under that dress.

- Will you cut it out ?  - Just get the fuck outta here.

- Whoo-ah !  - Get in your limousine.

Go down to the bowery, get with the  other fucking drunks where you belong !

- Wait a minute.  - What ?

- Could you take it easy ?  - What for ?

You want me to lay off him,  Chuckie, 'cause he's blind ?

- No, but I mean --  - My friend's name is Charles.

He doesn't like  to be called Chuckie.

- This is supposed to be a family  get-together. This is --  - A warning.

Jesus Christ. Another sucker who thinks  this shitheel's a war hero.

Whoo-ah.

Well, once... maybe.

I suppose he told you about his days  on Lyndon Johnson's staff ?

I was gonna go.  Now I'm not leaving.

- Frank was earmarked for general.  - Earmarked, good word.

- But Frank likes to spit  in everybody's eye !  - Randy, that's enough.

So -- What do they call it when they  give you the shaft in the military ?

- Passed over !  - Frank was passed over for promotion.

Couple times.

- You want to know what happened then ?  - Will you shut your mouth ?

- He blew himself up.  - Stop it, Randy.

Our colonel, here, had a grenade  juggling act at Fort Bragg or wherever.

- Fort Benning.  - He was teaching hand-to-hand combat --

Randy, look at me when  you're talking to me, son.

I'm lookin', Frank.  His partner in the act was some captain.

- Major Vincent Squires.  - Yeah, whoever he was.

Before going on, they'd have themselves  a lo-cal breakfast:

a Screwdriver for Frank,  Bloody Mary for his partner.

No, Vincent drank  Sea Breezes.

Judge Advocate at Benning said Col.  Slade had four to his partner's one.

He's flying in class.  He gets all excited.

He starts pulling  the pins out.

One grenade  got away from him.

Boom.

The one that got away.

Oh, the pin was in...  Frank claims.

In or out, what  difference does it make ?

What kind of fucking lunatic  juggles grenades ?

Vinnie came out okay.

And all Frank lost  was his eyesight.

- Wanna know the truth ?  - You got a handle on that,  do you, Randy ?

- He was an asshole before.  - Whoo-ah !

Now all he is  is a blind asshole.

Whoo-ah.

Hey, God's a funny guy.

God doth have  a sense of humor.

Maybe God thinks some  people don't deserve to see.

Whoo-ah. Hah !

You get the point...  Chuckie ?

- Aah !  - His name is Charles.

You can say that,  can't you ? Charles.

Know what this is, Randy ? It's a choke  hold I'm teaching those lieutenants.

- Little pressure, I bust your windpipe.  - I don't care what he said.

- Charles.  - Just let go, please !

Gretchen ?

You outdid yourself.

If you twist my arm  hard enough,

we're talking  Turkey Marbella next year.

Who knows ?

Frank ?

Good-bye, Willie.

I'm no fucking good...

and I never have been.

Come on, Charlie,  get the coats.

Come on.  Watch your step.

Hold it.

Nueva York, compadre.  Vamos !

You got a watch ?

Ah, it's 7:20.

I didn't ask you the time.  I asked if you had a watch.

Yeah, in the other room.

Get it.

Colonel, there's a clock  right next to your bed.

Does it have  a second hand ?

Yeah.

Time me !

How long ?

Um... about  30 seconds.

- I'm rusty.  - Where did you get a gun, Colonel ?

Piece or weapon, Charlie,  never a gun.

Where did you get  the piece ?

I'm an officer in the  United States Army. This is my sidearm.

- But you're not an officer anymore.  - So I'm retired, so what ?

An officer never  relinquishes his 45.

Yeah, but you better relinquish it to me  or I'm gonna call Mrs. Rossi.

Good idea.

Then I'm going back  to school.

Even better.  Blue skies, green lights.

I hope you have a wonderful trip.  That felt like 25.

You oughta be able to do a 45 in 25.  Did you time me ?

No, I did not  and I'm calling Albany.

That was stupid.

Was it ?

You're stuck with me,  Charlie.

No, I'm not.

- I'm outta here !  - Where you goin' ? New Hampshire ?

You got no money.  How you gonna do that ?

Mmm.

Karen's number  tastes like Albany. Hah !

Fine.

- I'm leaving.  - Charlie ? Charlie !

All I want from you...  is another day.

For what ?

One last tour  of the battlefield.

I can get around a city  like New York,

but l...

sometimes need a point  in the right direction.

What do you say,  Charlie ?

What's one day...  between friends ?

All right. Well, say  I stay for another day.

Will you give me  your weapon ?

Oh, Charlie ! I'm a lieutenant colonel,  United States Army.

I'm not giving my  fucking gun to anyone.

- Now, what are you drinkin' ?  - Colonel, this -- this is unacceptable.

Unacceptable ? What are you givin' me  that prep school crap for ?

What have they done,  taken the Oregon out of the boy ?

Put in Harvard  Business School ?

Then give me  your bullets.

You do see the sense of it,  Charlie, don't you ?

I can't chew  the leather anymore.

So, why  should I share...

the tribe's provisions ?

I mean,  there's no one...

wants to tear a herring  with me anymore.

The bullets, Colonel.

"The bullets, Colonel."

You sound like a guy in  "Lives of a Bengal Lancer."

What do you  give a shit for ?

About what ?

About what ?

About whether I blow  my brains out or not.

- Because I have a conscience, you know.  - You have a conscience.

I forgot.

The Charlie Conscience.

Do we tell ?  Do we not tell ?

Do we follow the  rich boy's code or not ?

Do we let this  blind asshole...

die... or not ?

Yeah.

Conscience, Charlie.

When were you born, son ?

Around the time  of the Round Table ? Hah.

Haven't you heard ?

Conscience is dead.

No, I haven't heard.

Well, then, take the  fucking wax outta your ears !

Grow up !

It's fuck your buddy.

Cheat on your wife.

Call your mother  on Mother's Day.

Charlie,  it's all shit.

Where you goin' ?

I got piss call.

I know I said I need ya  for just one day,

but even I can't hold it  that long.

Oh, and, Charlie,

you forgot the one  in the chamber.

Hah !

There you go,  sir.

Thank you.

Twenty-six years  in the service,

never let an aide  shine my shoes.

Where you gonna be  in 26 years, Charlie ?

Playing golf with your friends  from the Baird School, I bet.

I don't even like  those guys.

Course you don't.  They're all assholes.

Be a pleasure to squeal  on 'em, wouldn't it ?

- Yeah, well, I'm not a squealer.  - "l'm not a squealer."

What is this,  the Dreyfus case ?

Ohh ! Ooh, Mama !

There you go.

- Thank you.  - Thank you.

Watch your step.

I'm gettin' that  heavy feelin' again, Charlie.

There's more to this,  isn't there ?

Isn't there ?

- I was offered a bribe.  - Oh, now we're cookin'.

Mr. Trask,  the headmaster,

he promised to  get me into Harvard.

- If you squeal.  - Yeah.

What a dilemma.

Should Charlie Simms accept a  free ride into Harvard or not ?

What do you think your friend George  would do if he were in your shoes ?

- He is, practically.  - How ?

I mean, it's just that Mr. Trask  hasn't promised to get him into Harvard.

Mr. Trask doesn't have to. George's  father's gonna take care of that.

Do the deal, Charlie.  Take it !

Go to Harvard.

- I can't do that.  - Why not ?

It's just some things  you just can't do.

Explain 'em to me.

- Louder, please.  - I, l, I can't --

You're gonna have a tough time  in this world, Charlie.

To ease the blow,  let me buy you a drink. Come on.

Double Jack Daniels  on the rocks.

And bring my young friend here  a Shirley Temple.

Hold on.  Do you have beer ?

Certainly.  May I see some l.D. ?

Are you interested in walkin'  the rest of your life, chappy ?

Sir, but --

I'm a regular here.  My boy's going on 23.

Why don't you call up front,  the office ?

Mr. Gilbert,  he's a friend of mine.

Any particular beer ?

Schlitz.  No Schlitz ?

Blatz.  No Blatz ?

Improvise.

- I'll do my best, sir.  - Thank you, sir.

You're human, Charlie.  Beer ?

Who are we  drinking with ?

I'm getting a nice soap-and-water  feeling from down there.

- Ah... female.  - Female ?

You're callin' her female, must mean you  like her or you wouldn't be so casual.

- Is she alone ?  - Yeah, she's alone.

Things are heatin' up.  Chestnut hair ?

Brown...  Iight brown.

Twenty-two ?

Wh-- What am l,  a guy at a carnival ?

The day we stop lookin',  Charlie, is the day we die.

Move.

- Where ?  - You know where, son.

Don't be coy, Charlie.

This woman is made for you.  I can feel it.

Goddamn beautiful,  isn't she ?

- She's not bad.  - Whoo-bingo ! The boy's alive.

Come on, son,  perambulate.

Perambulate.

Excuse me, se?rita,  do you mind if we join you ?

I'm feelin'  you're being neglected.

Well, I'm  expecting somebody.

Instantly ?

- No, but any minute now.  - Any minute ?

Some people live a lifetime  in a minute.

- What are you doin' right now ?  - I'm waiting for him.

Would you mind  if we waited with you,

you know, just to keep the  womanizers from bothering you ?

No, I don't mind.

Thank you.

Charlie.

You know, I detect...  a fragrance in the air.

Don't tell me  what it is.

Ogilvie Sisters soap.

Ah, that's amazing.

I'm in the amazing  business !

It is  Ogilvie Sisters soap.

My grandmother gave me  three bars for Christmas.

I'm crazy about  your grandmother.

I think she'd have liked  Charlie too.

- Don't pay any attention to him.  - What's your name ?

Donna.

- Donna ? I'm Frank. This here is --  - This is Charlie.

Yes. She likes you.

Charlie's having a difficult weekend.  He's going through a crisis.

How does he look  like he's holding up ?

He looks fine to me.

Oh ! She does  like you, Charlie.

So, Donna,

ah...

do you tango ?

No. I wanted  to learn once, but --

But ?

But Michael  didn't want to.

Michael, the one  you're waiting for.

Michael thinks  the tango's hysterical.

Well, I think  Michael's hysterical.

Don't pay any attention to him.  Did I already say that ?

What a beautiful laugh.

Thank you, Frank.

Would you like to learn  to tango, Donna ?

Right now ?

I'm offering you my services...  free of charge.

What do you say ?

Ah...

I think I'd be  a little afraid.

Of what ?

Afraid of making  a mistake.

No mistakes in the tango,  not like life.

It's simple. That's what makes  the tango so great.

If you make a mistake,  get all tangled up, just tango on.

Why don't you try ?

Will you try it ?

All right.  I'll give it a try.

Hold me down, son.

Your arm.

Charlie,

I'm gonna need some  coordinates here, son.

The floor's  about 20 by 30,

and you're at  the long end.

There's tables on the outside.  The band's on the right.

Oh, Frank, you are  one incredible dancer.

Wait'll you see  Charlie dance.

- He's a liar. I don't dance.  - Isn't he a charmer, though ?

Truth is, not only can he dance,  but he'll sing you a hell of a tune.

He can do bird calls  and imitate Bela Lugosi.

- Hi, honey.  - Hey.

Michael, this is Frank  and this is Charlie.

-Hi, Frank, Charlie. I'm sorry I'm late.  -Oh, that's okay.

These two gentlemen  entertained me,

and time flew.

Your girl is...  a hell of a tango dancer.

You found someone to tango with.  That's terrific !

Let me  shake your hand.

- No, it was Frank.  - Hell, I'll shake both your hands !

Honey, this looks like the place,  but we gotta go.

We got a date with Darryl  and Carol in the village.

Do you have a check ?

- Michael, please. My pleasure.  - No, no. I got this.

Michael, get your hand outta  your pocket. I'll take it. Really.

Allow me.

Why, thank you.

Bye, guys.

Bye.

Darryl and Carol.  Yeah.

It's Apartment 17 E, Colonel.  She's expecting you.

You don't have to worry about a thing.  She's the creme de la creme.

My buddy took the Vice Chancellor  of Germany to her.

Now he wants to immigrate  to this country.

You did good, hombre.

My hair,  how is it ?

It's perfect.

- I got the red foulard okay, didn't I ?  - Yeah, real dark red.

Burgundy, Charlie,  burgundy.

They love it.

Bay Rum.

Windsor knot.

That's my heart  I'm feelin'.

I'm off.

Can you get long distance  on this ?

And how.  Be my guest.

- Sugarbush lodge.  - Hi. George Willis, please ?

One moment, please.

- Hello ?  - Ah, Harry ?

Chas, how are you ?

You just caught us. We're about  to shoot George over to the airport.

Why is George  going to the airport ?

Um, hold on. Maybe you should talk  to the man himself.

- Chas.  - Yeah. Hi, George.

- You just caught me.  - Harry said. Where you goin' ?

- Home.  - To Boston ?

Catching the puddle jumper.  Keep your fingers crossed.

What are you  going home for ?

I was thinking, Chas.  This asshole, Trask ?

He's making  no sense at all.

Somebody's gotta talk to him.  My father's Class of '59.

Your father ? I thought we were  gonna keep our parents outta this.

This guy Trask is outta control, Chas.  Outta control !

Somebody's gotta  talk to him.

- My father's a major  fund-raiser, you know.  - No, I didn't.

Just relax.  He'll get us off the hook.

- I gotta go. Everything all right ?  - Sure.

- I'll see you Monday. Good-bye.  - Bye.

- Good night, sir.  - Good night.

Hiya, Charlie.

Watch the door.

What a beautiful woman.

- Hello, there.  - Do you see what I see ?

Yeah.  Either there's something wrong,

or we got the  world's worst hangover.

Won't you come in ?

Colonel ?

Colonel,  you all right ?

What is there ?

It's afternoon.  You've been sleeping all morning.

So what ?

I don't know.  I thought --

I-l talked to George  last night.

His, ah --

His father's a big-deal alumnus  at school. He's got a lot of pull.

Really ?

Yeah, he's, ah,

he's gonna talk  to the headmaster.

George thinks he might  be able to get us off the hook.

"Get us off the hook."

Yeah, that's --  that's what he said.

Watch the "us" part.

Colonel, don't you wanna  get up and do something ?

Colonel ?

Oh, Charlie,  what do ya want ?

I don't know !

But you're  making me nervous.

My wallet is on  the dresser.

Take out  your plane ticket...

and $400  mustering-out pay,

plus...

airport-to-school taxi.

Colonel, it's no rush.  I mean, I can --

I could stay  for a while.

Charlie, you already  gave me a day.

For that day,  I am eternally grateful.

But right now I have...  other plans.

What other plans  do you have ?

To die, son.

Colonel, you're --

Come on, Colonel,  you're not gonna die today.

Charlie,  give me your hand.

You go now, boy.  Okay ?

You go.  Just, uh --

Just leave me  sleep here.

Look, uh --  Can we start over, please ?

What do you feel  like doin' today, huh ?

I mean, look at this.  The sun is shining !

It's a beautiful day.  Let's --

Colonel, I know you don't want  to be a party poop,

so let's go out and do something, huh ?  Let's go for a ride.

Yeah, a ride.

A ride ?

Yeah, Colonel Slade,  what do you say ?

Let's go for a ride,  huh ?

What kind of ride ?

Yeah, this is a valid  Oregon driver's license,

and we let appropriate customers  test-drive the Testarossa.

But you're 17 and with  a blind companion. That we don't do.

This is a $190,000  piece of machinery.

- I'm not letting it out this door.  - How 'bout this one over here ?

That's a Cabriolet T.  The same deal.

Think I'm gonna let an unaccompanied kid  get behind the wheel of a $110,000 car ?

He will not be  unaccompanied.

I'll be with him.  I'm his father.

- You're his father ?  - Yes.

I have an idea. Why don't I take  your father for a test-drive ?

- What's your quota, Freddie ?  - Don't worry about my quota. I do well.

How many Ferraris  you sold this month ?

That's not relevant  to this discussion.

Freddie,  the 80s are over.

Are you tryin' to tell me  these are just walkin' outta the store ?

This is a Ferrari, the finest machinery  made in the automobile industry.

If you like it that much,  why are you sellin' it ?

- I'd love to accommodate you --  - If this car performs  the way I expect it to,

you'll get a certified check of $101,000  and change when you come in tomorrow.

It's $109,000,  plus $950, plus tax.

Freddie, for you...

107 all in,

plus a case of champagne  to go with your leftover turkey.

What do you say ?  Don't worry about the boy.

He drives so smooth,  you can boil an egg on the engine.

When we bring the car back,  I'll peel the egg for ya.

Listen, you made me laugh,  but I can't let the car go out.

Want a deposit ?

This is not an  installment item, sir.

Freddie, you're no  spring chicken, are ya ?

Well, you know what they call me  at the home office ? The gray ghost.

You know why they  still keep me around ?

There's no kid here that  can move a Ferrari like I can.

I'm known from coast to coast  like butter and toast.

Ask anybody about  Freddie Bisco.

When I get a Ferrari...  out the door !

- Hah ! You just made me laugh.  - Yeah ?

Two thousand.

Unless you take it,  you're gonna make me cry.

I'm a gray ghost too.

See ? This is fun,  isn't it ?

Drop her into neutral.

Slide her into second.  Pop the clutch.

Straight. Hold it  right like that. Feel it ?

That's straight.  Just keep it straight.

- Keep it straight.  - No fun just to keep it straight.

You've got to move a little bit,  feel the road.

Please ? Just like this.  All right ? There you go.

Take it nice and easy.

Do you like this ?

Slow it down a little.  You goin' a little fast.

Colonel, slow it down.

Something's happened  to my foot !

- Slow it down, please.  - Hold on, Charlie.

I think I've got  another gear.

Colonel Slade ?

- Whoo-ah !  - Oh shit !

Watch out !

Hah-hah !

You'll get us killed !

Don't blame me, Charlie.  I can't see !

Colonel, slow it down !

Oh, God.  Oh, Jesus !

Now let's see  how this baby corners.

- Corners ?  - Yeah. Say when.

- Say when what ?  - Say when to turn.

- Colonel, you can't turn the car.  - Where's the turn, Charlie ?

3:00 ? 2:00 ?  Right oblique ? Right face ?

Come on !  Talk to me !

Ah... it's left, I guess.

Left. I knew it.  Okay. Now ?

No, no !  Not now ! Not now !

- Now ?  - Colonel, please ?

Charlie, I'm gonna do it anyway.  Whether you say so or not, here we go !

Okay ! Wait, wait, wait !  Just wait !

Here I go.

Wait... now !

I did it !  Oh, Charlie !

You're ridin' with  one very happy man !

- Turn again !  - Be specific, son.

- Left now !  - Okay.

- Ohh !  - Whoo-ah !

I love this !

I love it !  Shall we take it to the max ?

Let me out.

Shit ! The yellow flag.

I hadn't even  opened her up yet.

- Which way's the curb ?  - Pull over. Slow down !

- Slow down, Colonel.  - All right, I'm doin' it.

- Pull over to the curb. Slow it down.  - Yep, yep. Got it.

- Oh, Christ.  - Ooh, I haven't had a ticket in years.

I'll do the talking.

License and registration.

What ? Are you  test-driving this baby ?

Don't she purr though ?

At 70 miles an hour ?

You should hear her  at 125. Hah !

Where's your license ?

At the dealer's.

They give it back  when you return the car.

- You got l.D. ?  - You bet.

Indeed.

Lt. Col. Slade.

And you, solider ?

The name is  police officer Gore.

Doin' a hell of a job, Gore.

And so are you, Colonel.  Who's the kid ?

My boy Charlie.

He kept tellin' me to  "Let her out."

What was I gonna do,  disappoint him ?

Yes.

Tell you what I'm gonna do.  I'm gonna let you go on one condition.

- What's that ?  - You take this rig  straight back to the dealer.

- Y-You got it.  - Shut up.

- You want this ?  - Sure. Gore ?

Your face and your voice  are familiar.

You ever in the  officer's club at Da Nang ?

No.

- Never in the army ?  - No. Coast Guard.

Good Lord.  Hah ! Hah !

Your dad is looking good,  Charlie.

He's got a heavy foot.  Tell him to take it light. All right ?

- I hear ya !  - Thanks.

Get out of the car, 'cause  you are not driving anymore.

Just keeping this baby warm,  that's all.

I'm not drivin' anymore.

Yes.

- Take my arm.  - I'm okay.

- Colonel, it's really bumpy here.  - Yeah, bumpy.

You all right ?

Yeah.

Red light.  Hold it.

Taking too long.

Shit ! Colonel !  Colonel ?

Colonel !

Shit !  You all right ?

What the hell  are you doing ?

- Take the cane.  - I gotta take a piss.

- Take the cane, Colonel.  - It happens to the best of us.

We're on Park Avenue.  You can't go to the bathroom.

- Perfect place.  - You'll get arrested.

Never been housebroken.  Ohh !

Shit !

What's the matter  with you, Colonel ?

What are you doing ?  Stand up.

Come on.

I'm tired, Charlie.  I'm tired.

Give me your arm.

Here's your cane.

Take me back  to the hotel, son.

Home at last.

You all right now ?

Yeah.

- Do you want to use the bathroom ?  - No.

- Can I get you something ?  - No.

- You sure you're all right ?  - I'm fine, Charlie.

Do you mind  if I use the phone ?

Go ahead.

- Hello ?  - Hi, is George there, please ?

Senior or Junior ?

Junior.

- Who's this ?  - A friend of his from school.

George isn't going to be talking  to any friends from school right now.

- Oh.  - Good-bye.

Colonel, are you  looking at me ?

I'm blind, Charlie.

I'm gonna take a nap.

Too much fresh air.

It's probably  a good idea.

Want me to help you  to your room ?

No.

Couch.

I like  this couch here.

You sure you're  all right, Colonel ?

I got a headache.

Why don't you go downstairs,  get me some aspirin, Charlie ?

- Some aspirin.  - Yeah. Also...

I feel like  a cigar.

Get me a couple of  Monte Cristos, number one.

- Monte Cristos, number one.  - Yeah.

You won't be able to get 'em  at the newsstand downstairs.

So why don't you  go over to...

Fiftieth and Fifth,  Dunhill's.

Fella name of Arnold  in the humidor.

Tell him, um,  they're for me.

He'll know.

You're back  too fast.

You didn't get  my cigars, did you ?

Get out of here,  Charlie.

I thought we had a deal.

I welched. I'm a welcher.  Didn't I tell you ?

No, what you told me was that  you gave me all the bullets.

I lied.

- Yeah, well, you could have fooled me.  - And I did.

Charlie, how you ever gonna survive  in this world without me ?

Why don't you just  give me the gun, all right ?

Wh-- What are you doing ?

I'm gonna  shoot you too.

Your life's finished anyway.

Your friend George's gonna  sing like a canary.

And so are you.

And once you've sung,  Charlie, my boy,

you're gonna take your place  on that long, gray line...

of American manhood.

And you will be through.

I'd like to disagree  with you, Colonel.

You're in no position  to disagree with me, boy.

I got a loaded .45 here.  You got pimples.

I'm gonna kill ya, Charlie,  because I can't bear the thought...

of you sellin' out !

Put the gun down,  all right, Colonel ?

What ? You givin' me  an ultimatum ?

No, I'm --

I give the ultimatums !

I'm sorry.

All right ?  I'm sorry.

It's all right...  Charlie.

You break my heart, son.

All my life  I stood up...

to everyone  and everything...

because it made me feel  important.

You do it  'cause you mean it.

You got integrity, Charlie.

I don't know whether  to shoot ya or adopt ya.

Not much of a choice,  is it, sir ?

Aw, don't get cute now.

- Colonel, please put the gun away ?  - I asked you a question.

Do you want me to adopt ya,  or don't ya ?

Please ? I mean...

- you're just in a slump right now.  - Slump ?

No slump, Charlie.

I'm bad.

I'm not bad. No.

I'm rotten.

You're not bad.

Y-- You're just in pain.

What do you know  about pain ?

Hmm ? You little  snail darter...

from the Pacific Northwest.

What the fuck you know  about pain ?

Let me have the gun, Colonel.

No time to grow a dick, son.

Just, just give me  the gun, all right, Colonel ?

I'm talkin'  a parade ground. Ten-hut !

Soldier, that was  a direct order.

Give me the gun ?

You can stay  or you can leave.

You understand ?  Either way, I'm gonna do this thing.

Now why don't you leave  and spare yourself ?

I want your gun, Colonel.

I'm gonna give myself  a count.

You need a count  for balance.

Five, four...

three...

two...

one. Fuck it.

Gimme ! Fuck it !

- Get out of here !  - I'm stayin' right here !

- Get outta here !  - I'm stayin' right here.

- I'll blow your fuckin' head off !  - Then do it !

You want to do it ?  Do it ! Let's go.

Fuck.

Get outta here !

You fucked up, all right ?  So what ?

So everybody does it.  Get on with your life, would ya ?

What life ?  I got no life !

I'm in the dark here !

You understand ?  I'm in the dark !

So give up. You want  to give up, give up...

'cause I'm givin' up too.

You said I'm through.  You're right.

We're both through.  It's all over.

So let's get on with it.  Let's fuckin' do it.

Let's fuckin' pull the trigger,  you miserable blind motherfucker.

Pull the trigger.

Here we go, Charlie.

I'm ready.

You don't want to die.

And neither do you.

Give me one reason not to.

I'll give you two. You can  dance the tango and drive a Ferrari...

better than anyone  I've ever seen.

You never seen anyone  do either.

Give me the gun, Colonel.

Oh, where do I go  from here, Charlie ?

If you're tangled up,  just tango on.

You askin' me  to dance, Charlie ?

Did you ever have the feelin'  that you wanted to go

And still had the feelin'  that you wanted to stay

You like my blues, Charlie ?

Yeah, they're beautiful.

I wore these for  Lyndon's inauguration.

Of course, uh, we weren't  the number one ball.

But he dropped by anyway.

Will you please  give me the gun ?

You're askin' an officer  to surrender his side arm.

You don't have to surrender it.  You just put it down for a little while.

All right ?  Just put it down.

Boy, I could use  a drink, Charlie.

How about a cup of coffee ?

Too big a leap for me  right now, Charlie.

Maybe tomorrow. Hah !

No, a Mr. John Daniels  would be preferred.

No water, Charlie.

No water.

Please.

Here's your drink,  Colonel.

Oh. I'm so sorry.

What time do you want me  to turn down the bed ?

- Uh, maybe later, all right ?  - What he means, se?rita,

is come right in.

- Later, please ?  - Yes, sir.

Good afternoon.

Nice voice.

Boy, you have  a one-track mind.

Mm-hmm. Is there anything else  in this world, Charlie ?

- Not for you.  - You know what's kept me  goin' all these years ?

The thought that one day --

Never mind.

The what ?

Silly.

Just the thought  that maybe one day, I'd --

I could have a woman's arms  wrapped around me...

and her legs  wrapped around me.

And what ?

That I could wake up in the morning  and she'd still be there.

Smell of her.

All funky and warm.

I finally gave up on it.

I don't know why  you can't have that.

You know, when we get back  to New Hampshire,

I don't know why  you can't find someone.

I mean, you're  a good-lookin' guy,

and you're fun  to be with, and...

you're a great travel companion,  sensitive, compassionate.

Charlie,

are you  fuckin' with me ?

Yes.

Yeah ?

Hey, Manny.

My God. We -- We --  We missed our plane.

Your plane, Charlie.  My ticket was one-way.

- New England Thruway  all the way, Colonel ?  - All the way, Rinaldo.

I'm gettin' that  heavy feelin' again, Charlie.

Uh...

"Uh" ?

I think you were right  about George and his father.

- Uh, I'm sorry to hear that.  - When we get back,

Mr. Trask is bringin' us up in front  of the whole school.

Puttin' your feet  to the fire, huh ?

Special meeting of  the Disciplinary Committee.

And what are you  gonna tell 'em ?

I don't know.  I'll think of somethin'.

Oh, Charlie, why are you  all alone in this thing ?

Hmm ? Where's your father ?

He left.

I thought it was a mom-and-pop store.  Who's the "pop" ?

- It's my stepfather.  - Oh, yeah.

But why isn't he in on this ?

Somethin'  wrong with him ?

No, he's okay.  We just, uh --

- We don't get along very well.  - Why not ?

- 'Cause he's an asshole.  - Ah. Ha-ha !

Well, that's all right, Charlie.

Every family's got one  nowadays.

- That's it ?  - That's it.

- Take care of yourself, kid.  - All right, Manny. Thanks.

No, I'm not open.

I hate good-byes.

So, uh, you'll be  all right, huh ?

I'll be fine.

All right.

What's that ?

Uh, that's first bell.

Just got time  to get cleaned up.

Oh. I almost forgot.

I owe you some money.

Three hundred dollars,  hmm ? Job well done.

You ever need any  references, Charlie,

- I'm your man.  - Thanks, Colonel.

- Uh, it's 16 Water Street.  Just over the bridge.  - We'll find it.

Good-bye, Charlie.

Good-bye, Colonel.

Come here, son.

Okay, Manny.

George. George !

I called an open meeting  of this institution this morning...

because the incident that  occurred this Tuesday last...

describes an issue  that concerns all of us.

Not an isolated case  of vandalism, what happened...

is a symptom  of the sickness of a society,

a sickness which runs  counter to the principles...

this school was founded on,

a school, among whose graduates two have  sat behind the desk in the Oval Office,

in the White House.

Baird men have run state departments  and investment houses,

founded department stores  and coached football teams.

Our alumni receive their bulletins  in ashrams in lndia...

and in palaces  in Jordan.

We are, in fact,  known around the world...

as the cradle  of this country's leadership.

- A beacon in the nation's --  - What are you doing here ?

- Got room for me up there, Charlie ?  - But today,

- we are bleeding from disrespect,  - Yeah, I guess so.

- Give us a hand.  - disrespect for our values...

and a disrespect  for our standards,

a disrespect for  the Baird tradition.

And, as the custodians  of that tradition,

we are here today  to protect each other...

from those  who threaten it.

Who is this, Mr. Simms ?

- Uh --  - This is Mr. Frank Slade,

Lieutenant Colonel,  United States Army, retired.

I'm here in place  of Charlie's parents.

- Excuse me ?  - In loco parentis.

They could not make  the trip from Oregon today.

And what is your relationship  to Mr. Simms ?

Is this a courtroom ?

- Closest thing we could manage to it.  - Then if we're taking oaths,

there's a few people  I'd like to swear in.

There are no oaths at Baird.  We are all on our honor.

Larry and Franny Simms...

are very dear,  close friends of mine.

They've asked me to appear here  on Charlie's behalf.

Okay ?

Happy to have you  with us, Colonel.

Mr. Willis.

- Which Mr. Willis ?  - George, Junior, sir.

You were in a position  last Tuesday night...

to see who committed  this act of vandalism. Who was it ?

Well, uh, I have  an idea who it was.

No, no, not an idea, Mr. Willis.  Did you see or did you not see ?

Well...

I-l didn't have  my contacts in.

Come on.

I was in the library.  I'd taken my glasses off,

and I was gonna put  my contacts back in.

Um,

I --

Then I helped  Simms close up,

and the next thing I know,  we're outside,

and I hear this sound,  and l, um,

didn't have any time  to put my contacts in.

Whom, with your limited vision,  did you see ?

Like I say,  it was blurry.

Uh,

I can't see  without my contacts.

What did you see,  Mr. Willis ?

What ?

- What, you mean definitively ?  - Stop fencing with me, Mr. Willis !

Tell me what you saw !

Now, don't hold me  to this, but...

no contacts, it's dark...

and everything, I mean --

Mr. Willis !

Maybe...

Harry Havemeyer,

Trent Potter  and Jimmy Jameson.

- Maybe ?  - Ballpark, best guess.

Could you provide us  with some detail ?

I mean, why don't  you ask Charlie ?

I really think  he was closer.

Mr. Simms.

Yes.

You don't wear  contact lenses, do you ?

No, sir.

With your untrammeled sight,  whom did you see ?

Well, I saw --  I saw something,

but l-l-l  I couldn't say who.

All right.  What was the something you saw ?

- I-l couldn't say.  - You couldn't say or you wouldn't say ?

Well, I just --  I --

- I just couldn't say. I'm --  - Couldn't, wouldn't, shouldn't.

You're exhausting  my patience...

and making a mockery  of these proceedings.

I will give you  one last chance.

The consequences of your response  will be dire.

By dire I mean your future  will be jeopardized permanently.

Now for the last time,

what did you see  last Tuesday night...

outside my office ?

I saw somebody.

"l saw somebody." Good.

Did you see  their size and shape ?

Yeah.

And they were  the size and shape of whom ?

They were  the size and shape --

of most any  Baird student, sir.

I am left  with no real witness.

Mr. Willis's testimony is  not only vague, it is unsubstantiated.

The substance I was  looking for, Mr. Simms,

was to come from you.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry too, Mr. Simms,

because you know  what I'm going to do,

inasmuch as I can't punish  Mr. Havemeyer,

Mr. Potter or Mr. Jameson ?

And I won't punish  Mr. Willis.

He's the only party  to this incident...

who is still worthy of  calling himself a Baird man.

I'm going to recommend to  the Disciplinary Committee...

that you be expelled.

Mr. Simms, you are  a cover-up artist...

and you are a liar.

But not a snitch !

Excuse me ?

No, I don't  think I will.

- Mr. Slade.  - This is such a crock of shit !

Please watch your language,  Mr. Slade.

You are in the Baird school,  not a barracks.

Mr. Simms, I will give you one  final opportunity to speak up.

Mr. Simms  doesn't want it.

He doesn't need  to be labeled...

"still worthy of  being a Baird man."

What the hell  is that ?

What is your motto here ?

"Boys, inform on your  classmates, save your hide;

anything short of that,  we're gonna burn you at the stake" ?

Well, gentlemen,

when the shit hits the fan,  some guys run...

and some guys stay.

Here's Charlie facin' the fire,  and there's George...

hidin' in  big daddy's pocket.

And what are you doin' ?

You're gonna  reward George...

and destroy Charlie.

-Are you finished, Mr. Slade ?  -No, I'm just gettin' warmed up.

I don't know who  went to this place.

William Howard Taft,  William Jennings Bryant,

William Tell, whoever.

Their spirit is dead,  if they ever had one.

It's gone.

You're buildin'  a rat ship here,

a vessel for  seagoin' snitches.

And if you think you're  preparin' these minnows for manhood,

you better think again,

because I say you are  killin' the very spirit...

this institution  proclaims it instills.

What a sham.

What kind of a show  are you guys puttin' on here today ?

I mean, the only class  in this act is sittin' next to me.

I'm here to tell you  this boy's soul is intact.

It's non-negotiable.  You know how I know ?

Someone here, and I'm not gonna say who,  offered to buy it.

- Only Charlie here wasn't sellin'.  - Sir, you're out of order.

I show you out of order.

You don't know what  out of order is, Mr. Trask.

I'd show you,  but I'm too old,

I'm too tired,  too fuckin' blind.

If I were the man I was  five years ago, I'd take...

a flamethrower  to this place !

Out of order ? Who the hell  you think you're talkin' to ?

I've been around,  you know ?

There was a time  I could see.

And I have seen.

Boys like these,  younger than these,

their arms torn out,  their legs ripped off.

But there is nothin'  like the sight...

of an amputated spirit.

There is  no prosthetic for that.

You think you're merely sendin'  this splendid foot soldier...

back home to Oregon with  his tail between his legs,

but I say you are...

executin' his soul !

And why ?

Because he's not  a Baird man.

Baird men.  You hurt this boy,

you're gonna be Baird bums,  the lot of you.

And, Harry, Jimmy,

Trent, wherever  you are out there,

fuck you too !

Stand down, Mr. Slade !

I'm not finished.

As I came in here,  I heard those words:

"cradle of leadership."

Well, when  the bough breaks,

the cradle will fall,  and it has fallen here.

It has fallen.

Makers of men,  creators of leaders.

Be careful what kind of leaders  you're producin' here.

I don't know if Charlie's  silence here today...

is right or wrong;  I'm not a judge or jury.

But I can tell you this:

he won't sell  anybody out...

to buy his future !

And that, my friends,  is called integrity.

That's called courage.

Now that's the stuff  leaders should be made of.

Now I have come to  the crossroads in my life.

I always knew  what the right path was.

Without exception, I knew,  but I never took it.

You know why ?

It was too damn hard.

Now here's Charlie.  He's come to the crossroads.

He has chosen a path.

It's the right path.

It's a path  made of principle...

that leads to character.

Let him continue  on his journey.

You hold this boy's future  in your hands, Committee.

It's a valuable future,

believe me.

Don't destroy it.  Protect it.

Embrace it.

It's gonna make you proud  one day, I promise you.

How's that for cornball ?

Nothing can  shut them up, sir.

The Disciplinary Committee will  take this matter under advisement...

in closed session.

- What are they doin', Charlie ?  - I think they're going  to come to a decision now.

Very well.

Apparently, that meeting  will be unnecessary.

Mrs. Hunsaker.

The joint student-faculty  Disciplinary Committee...

needs no further sessions.

They have come  to a decision.

Misters Havemeyer,  Potter and Jameson...

are placed  on probation...

for suspicion of  ungentlemanly conduct.

It is further recommended  that Mr. George Willis, Jr....

receive neither recognition  nor commendation...

for his cooperation.

Mr. Charles Simms  is excused...

from any further response  to this incident.

Whoo-ah.

Charlie !

- Last step.  - I can always count on you, Charlie.

Colonel.

Colonel !

I'm Christine Downes,  Colonel Slade.

I teach  Political Science.

I wanted to tell you  how much I appreciate...

- your coming here  and speaking your mind.  - Thank you. Are you married ?

Uh --  I, uh --

Went to a artillery school  at Fort Sill with a Mickey Downes.

Thought he might've  snagged you.

Uh, no, no,  I'm afraid not.

Uh, Colonel Slade was on, uh,

Lyndon Johnson's staff,  Miss Downes.

Were you ? Fascinating.

We should get together,  talk politics sometime.

Fleurs de rocailles.

Yes.

"Flowers from a brook."

That's right.

Well, Miss Downes,

I, I'll know  where to find you.

Charlie.

- Bye, Miss Downes.  - Bye.

You don't have  to tell me, Charlie.

5'7",

auburn hair,

beautiful  brown eyes.

Yabba dabba doo.

Hah !

Manny.

Aw, Colonel,  this is too much.

You earned it.  Next time Charlie and l...

want to take a breather to New York,  we're gonna call you.

You can drive us  both ways.

You're on. Not only  will it be an honor,

I'll give you  a rate.

I'll see your rate  and raise you.

Stay outta  harm's way, Manny.

- Take care, Colonel.  - You too.

- Ready ?  - No, thanks, Charlie.  I'll take it from here.

You go on ahead.  Manny'll drive you back to your dorm.

Come by before you  go home for Christmas.

We'll have a little cheer.

And if you like,  stay for dinner.

Sometimes she cooks  a pot roast.

It's almost edible.

All right, Colonel.

- That'd be really --  - Bye, Charlie.

Who's there ?

- That you, Francine ?  - Yes.

- What are you doing ?  - Taking a ride.

Taking a ride ?  What about you giving me a lift ?

- No.  - No ?

Aw, come on,  Francine.

We should make up.  Don't you think it's time we made up ?

- No.  - Francine ?

- What ?  - Your Uncle Frank's had himself...

a really hard  Thanksgiving weekend.

What's that ?

I hear a chipmunk.

Is it a walrus ?

No, it's Willie.

Willie, why don't you  help me with my bag ?

Come on, son.  Help me with my bag.

Come on. Come on.

You got it. Hold onto it.  You're strong.

Come on.

Here we are.

Francine, come on  with me and Willie.

I'll let you make me  some marshmallow chocolate.

- Whaddaya say ?  - Okay.